Mindful Self-Pleasure: A Ritual for an Evening Just for You
There's a lovely line about sexuality: it isn't something you do, but a place you visit. Sex therapist Nina Jares shared it with us in our interview on female fantasies.
For most of us, self-pleasure looks more like doing: between two Netflix episodes, just before falling asleep, quickly done. There's nothing wrong with that. But it isn't a place.
We wrote this piece together with our friends at Aia* Intimacy, whose motto says it all: Time for Intimacy. It isn't a manual, but an invitation to do it differently every now and then: slower, more consciously, with more imagination.
From efficient to pleasurable
We've become pretty good at making pleasure efficient. A clip that gets straight to the point, a toy that delivers in three minutes. In her practice, Nina Jares sees that this very efficiency can block some people's access to their own desire.
Her counter-proposal: practise enjoyment. "The capacity for pleasure is what really has to be learned," she says. It starts with a cup of coffee you don't drink on the side, and the question: where do I feel this in my body right now?
Before: what do you need to let go?
If pleasure is a place, it's worth getting it ready. Not with rose petals, but with an honest question: what do I need to really switch off? Darkness, a warm bath, knowing nobody will knock? That isn't complicated, says Nina; it's knowing how you work.
Then a quick check inwards: am I actually in the mood, or do I just want to shake off the day? Both are fine, but it's good to know.
Your fantasy as the starting point
With a video, everything has already been decided: who, where, how. With your own fantasy, you set the direction. That takes more effort, but it feels more like you.
Start small. Nina often works with everyday images: an encounter that fascinated you, a look, a voice. Whether you then spin the fantasy in your head, write it down or have it read to you as an audio story, imagining it is already part of the evening.
And if something surprises you: a fantasy is not a wish. It can arouse you without you wanting to live it, and it can contradict your self-image.
Listening instead of watching
When one sense takes a break, the others get louder. That's exactly what audio uses: a voice lays the trail, your mind paints the rest. No screen, no staged bodies to compare yourself to.
So: headphones in, lie down, eyes closed. If you tend to glance at your phone, lay a scarf or a blindfold over your eyes. Small detail, big difference.
During: no goal, just the way there
The hardest part: not wanting to achieve anything. Let the story set the pace and deliberately start somewhere other than usual: neck, belly, the inside of your thighs. Warm oil, from a massage candle for example, moves you out of your head and into your body.
And when your thoughts wander to the shopping list: one deep breath, back to the voice. There's nothing to perform here.
After: linger instead of leaping up
Many people know aftercare from partnered sex. Nina believes it belongs to an evening with yourself too. So instead of lights on and phone checked, stay lying down for a few minutes, maybe place a hand on your heart, and notice how you feel.
And if a hint of shame shows up after an intense fantasy, a sentence from sex educator Emily Nagoski that Nina likes to quote helps: you are normal.
Two companions, if you like
For an evening like this, you really need nothing but time. Two things from the Aia* Intimacy range make it even nicer, though.
The massage candle first fills the room with a warm cedar scent, then melts into a massage oil made with shea butter and grapeseed oil. Blow it out, test it on your wrist, off you go.
The satin blindfold is more of a soft scarf than a sleep mask and dims the light gently. And should someone join you, it has a few other talents too.
FAQ
What is mindful self-pleasure? Taking conscious time for your own pleasure, without rushing and without fixating on orgasm. The focus is on your senses, your body and your imagination.
What is the capacity for pleasure? The ability to consciously notice pleasant sensations. According to sex therapist Nina Jares, it can be practised, including in everyday life, and is an important foundation for desire.
Why do audio stories fit so well? Because they work without a screen and let your own imagination take part. Your eyes stay closed, your attention stays with you.
Is it bad if my fantasy doesn't match who I am? No. A fantasy is not a wish. It can be contradictory and doesn't have to be acted on or match your self-image.
What is aftercare after self-pleasure? A conscious transition back into everyday life: staying in bed, noticing how you feel, being kind to yourself instead of jumping straight up.
Which products suit a mindful evening with yourself? You need nothing but time. Things that engage the senses make it nicer, such as the natural massage candle and the satin blindfold from Aia* Intimacy. The Dutch brand focuses on natural, vegan ingredients and sustainable materials.
